365 Challenge: Day 101 – Sullen

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Sullen: bad-tempered and sulky; gloomy; depressed

sullen

“I did not get the job.” Most of us have said that before, and if you haven’t, it’ll happen one day. It’s rare to always get the things you want, especially when it comes to big things like an apartment, a house, a date, or a job. And when that happens, you probably get a little upset or depressed. That’s how I felt yesterday afternoon and was hoping it would dissipate by the time I woke up this morning. But it didn’t, and I was feeling a tad sullen as I arose from bed.

A bit of backstory to set the stage for those who don’t yet know me all that well. When I graduated from college, just as the country was preparing for Y2K, I had an English degree with minors in communication, Spanish, education and business. I wasn’t certain what to do with my career, but I wanted to be a writer during some part of it. The weekend I drove home after graduation, I faxed my resume to a bunch of jobs and was called immediately to come in for an interview as a project administrator and technical writer at a local company in my hometown.  Seventeen years later, I had parlayed that initial position into 6 or 7 promotions, culminating in the SVP of Technology role in one of the sister companies, owned by the same family. For a variety of reasons, not necessary to go into here, I left that company and role last year.

I was going to take some time off, finally do some writing and decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. In that time, I wrote a book and it’s been well received by some friends, family and beta readers I met via the Internet. I created a bunch of websites and blogs, connecting with thousands of people. I’ve read hundreds of books and drafted 500 book reviews. I’ve gotten a break from the insanity of the corporate technology life I was leading, where I worked 80 hours a week and could never put my phone down or ignore my email. I felt really proud and accomplished for all that I’d achieved since leaving my position to focus on the things I’d always enjoyed but never had time for.

The Christmas holidays came and left, and I started to get a bit bored. I began searching for a literary agent to help find a publisher for the book. I started looking for a job again, for a variety of reasons. Boredom. Money. Keep up the skills. Money. Connections. Money. By February, I had the resume in a good place. I started networking a little more. And I went on a few interviews. None of the jobs felt right, but it was important to practice the interview skills and to be open-minded. Nearly 4 months later, I’m still searching. I had a really strong series of interviews in the last month and I know it had come down to me and another person. A call was setup for yesterday to discuss next steps. I wasn’t feeling strong about it, as something told me this was a great job but I wasn’t going to be selected. Took the call late yesterday afternoon. “I did not get the job.”

Sullen. A bit sad. Tired. Depressed. Concerned. Scared. Lots of emotions and thoughts rolling around in the old cage at the top of my head. First, to set expectations: I’m totally fine. I’ve been told “no” before, and I’ve been told “yes” before. This isn’t about money. I’m not worried that I’ll never find work again. I don’t take it personally. I’m not looking for someone to help or even tell me it’ll be OK. Today’s post isn’t really about me feeling sad or depressed as much as it is a voluntary acknowledgement that my mood was affected by the call not because I didn’t get the job, but because it made me feel like I haven’t progressed as much as I would have liked in the last 11 months since leaving my former position.

And as I come upon the one year mark next month, I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned. I started the 365 Daily Challenge to push myself to be honest and truly analyze everything going on in my life. I wanted to be more open and connect with people around the world. I needed input on how everyone else made decisions in their lives in the hopes it would trigger a moment where I would figure out my own. I am a very happy person. I am very lucky. I have a wonderful and supportive partner. I am healthy. I have friends and family. I have a good outlook on all these things going on. But today I felt sullen over the call… sullen because after almost one year, I’m still unsure what’s next.

Do I continue looking for corporate positions where the money is good and I have a very structured life? Do I stay on a path for another year with writing and take short-term jobs to pay the bills? Do I truly try to break into a different career where I love my job and have passion all day? Where’s this 365 Daily Challenge going? I actually feel that maybe I do have something of value to say to my friends and acquaintances who read my posts. I’ve been so happy writing the book reviews and reading, maybe that’s where my heart is for the future.

Most of all, I am grateful that I have all these positive things going on in my life. It’s rare that people have this opportunity to step away from reality and give an alternate life a chance. And that’s why I am keeping my minor frustration, depression or disappointment in check. But I’m still human… so today I am sullen. Tomorrow it will get better. And well… that’s good enough for me. Sorry for the dull and possibly depressing post today. But you’ll always find the truth on ThisIsMyTruthNow.

 

About Me & the “365 Daily Challenge”

I’m Jay and I live in NYC. By profession, I work in technology. By passion, I work in writing. I’ve always been a reader. And now I’m a daily blogger. I decided to start my own version of the “365 Daily Challenge” where since March 13, 2017, I’ve posted a characteristic either I currently embody or one I’d like to embody in the future. 365 days of reflection to discover who I am and what I want out of life.

The goal: Knowledge. Acceptance. Understanding. Optimization. Happiness. Help. For myself. For others. And if all else fails, humor. When I’m finished in one year, I hope to have more answers about the future and what I will do with the remainder of my life. All aspects to be considered. It’s not just about a career, hobbies, residence, activities, efforts, et al. It’s meant to be a comprehensive study and reflection from an ordinary man. Not a doctor. Not a therapist. Not a friend. Not an encyclopedia full of prior research. Just pure thought, a blogged journal with true honesty.

Join the fun and read a new post each day, or check out my book reviews, TV/Film reviews or favorite vacation spots. And feel free to like, rate, comment or take the poll for each post. Note: All written content is my original creation and copyrighted to me, but the graphics and images were linked from other sites and belong to them. Many thanks to their original creators.

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31 thoughts on “365 Challenge: Day 101 – Sullen

    Nel said:
    June 21, 2017 at 9:46 AM

    If it’s not about the money, I’d say expand your horizons. Try applying for new and different jobs. I experienced this earlier this year. I wanted to leave my old job for various reasons and I literally fought with myself because I felt like I’d been in that world so long that I may not be able to do anything else. But then I really analyzed the skills I had and I looked at job postings in a different light. I was able to see that I could possibly qualify for this type of job and at the end of the day I needed a means to an end. Like you said, bills stack up so I could either keep being miserable or take a chance. I was rejected 3 times before I got my current gig. Now I’m more confident than ever that I can adapt to any job if I really want to. Is this my end all be all job? No. All I can hope for is it’s a means to a dream end. (Sorry, long again)

    Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 1:29 PM

      I’m really glad it worked out for you. That’s important. Especially when you spend at least 40 hours per week doing it… Never apologize for a long reply, I love them! Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

    caterpillars2butterfliesblog said:
    June 21, 2017 at 10:08 AM

    It seems as though maybe going back into the corporate life just isn’t going to be your calling Jay. If you can’t get up every day and thoroughly enjoy what you are doing, then it truly is time for a change. Follow your heart…what really drives your soul. If you are fortunate enough for money to not be the primary factor here, then don’t ‘settle’ for the corporate world. Ok, so you didn’t get the job this time… I haven’t been following you that long, but just what I have read of the 365 challenge so far- you have a lot to offer. Maybe you haven’t “progressed” any further from the point you were at a year ago…but maybe that’s because your focus isn’t where it needs to be. Consciously evaluate all that you TRULY want to accomplish. What matters the absolute most? What inspires you, drives you…to do what you’ve been doing for the last year…for even the last few months? Find that one spark that lights the rest on fire!!! Keep up the awesome work…. the progress will show when you accept that you ARE exactly where you are supposed to be right this moment. 🙂 Best of Luck!!

    Liked by 3 people

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 1:31 PM

      Thank you very much for the inspirational response. I know you’re correct. I should be finding a job that I love and enjoy doing. And while money isn’t a factor right now, that won’t be true for all that much longer, so I need to figure it out soon. I truly appreciate the kind words. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    susandyer1962 said:
    June 21, 2017 at 11:16 AM

    Do what makes you happy Jay! I hope better days are coming for you!

    Liked by 2 people

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 1:29 PM

      Thank you, Susan. Compared to so many other things, this is very small… and I know it. I’m hoping it figures itself out soon!

      Like

    Never Not Reading said:
    June 21, 2017 at 11:36 AM

    I’ve gotten that call more times than I really care to think about. Worse, at least a dozen times I haven’t gotten a call at all. Who does that? Last month in particular I got that call from a job I REALLY wanted and was so excited about. “Sullen” doesn’t quite describe how I felt that day quite as well as “devastated” does. Even though you tell yourself not to take it personally, it’s hard not to. I don’t have any answers, and I certainly haven’t been following you long enough to offer any advice. Just wanted to let you know that I completely understand. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 1:32 PM

      Thank you. I appreciate it. Knowing others go thru it too is comforting. It will work out in time… I just need to be patient. And I look forward to getting to know you more on here. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    Books Teacup and Reviews said:
    June 21, 2017 at 12:35 PM

    I understand this post better. I have gone through this phase. I had a minor brain stroke too.. because of all those worry, not happy with a job n all. Long story… All I can say is, stay happy, do what you like, or find a way in which you can do both the things love your job and fulfill your dream.

    Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 1:33 PM

      Wow, hopefully you are all healed and happy with where things are for you now.

      Thank you for sharing and for the positive messages. I appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

    Jo-Ann said:
    June 21, 2017 at 1:26 PM

    Feeling sullen is completely understandable. It forces you to look at your life and think about what you want in life and where you want to be. Not always easy.

    If the caller had said, yes, you got the job, would you have been excited to go back to the corporate world? Just a thought.

    (((HUGS))) to you Jay. I totally get the feeling of not knowing which direction your life is headed.

    Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 1:34 PM

      I appreciate the hugs. Thank you! 🙂 I think I would have been happy for a little while with the new role and focus, but ultimately, I think I need to find the dream job… and that has something to do with everything I post about on this blog…

      Thank you for sharing and reaching out! And always being you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        Jo-Ann said:
        June 21, 2017 at 1:39 PM

        Enjoy what you are doing, stay present and keep writing. It will all fall into place 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        James J. Cudney IV responded:
        June 21, 2017 at 1:43 PM

        🙂 I appreciate it. Needed to hear stuff like this today! Thx again.

        Like

    BrizzleLass said:
    June 21, 2017 at 3:04 PM

    This is such a lovely post although on quite a sad topic. I can relate tondo much of this, I studied while working rather than going to University and managed to have received a Post Grad Diploma by the time all my friends were leaving Uni with a BA. Like you I worked solidly thinking my career was where it was at but I’ve had a lot of time to think since I walked away and am now taking time to focus on what makes me smile and feel well. I’m going back to working as a freelancer but only a few days per week, I don’t need to send a ridiculous amount of money just enough to pay the bills and that way I can carry on my voluntary work and blogging quite easily. I think although those phone calls are quite difficult and understandably have made you feel quite low there are definitely better things out there for you. Just find your happy place.

    Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 3:12 PM

      Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it. I’m wondering if my happy place is outside NYC where it’s perhaps easier to relax! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 21, 2017 at 3:13 PM

      And your attitude and approach is really good and refreshing. 🙂

      Like

        BrizzleLass said:
        June 21, 2017 at 3:29 PM

        Aw thank you. And possibly, I’ve only been to NYC a few times but it’s definitely hectic! Most places have an element of that though, I think it’s often more about finding what you want inside yourself, and yes sometime that involves moving but not always.

        Liked by 1 person

    theorangutanlibrarian said:
    June 21, 2017 at 6:03 PM

    I’ve got that call countless times (although more often than not an email). Chin up- it’ll happen for you and you’ll go on to bigger and brighter things!!

    Liked by 1 person

    […] James @ This Is My Truth Now […]

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    […] thanks to James J. Cudney IV @ this is my truth now for tagging me! Was awhile back I think, but now I finally got time to do it :)! Will be very short […]

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    Books, Vertigo and Tea said:
    June 22, 2017 at 4:21 PM

    Mad respect for this post! Acknowledging feelings and understanding them can be difficult, but you seem to be in a healthy disposition with it all. But with that said, I get it. Returning to the workforce can be rough. Even if you do not need to financially or find yourself facing multiple possibilities. It is change and good or bad, it put stress on us. I honestly say it this point you should push for what will make you happiest. Whichever path will help you feel complete is the one to take my friend. After the scares I have had over the last 3 years, I have learned, sometimes you just have to go for it!

    Liked by 1 person

      James J. Cudney IV responded:
      June 22, 2017 at 4:51 PM

      Thank you, Danielle. You always have good advice. I feel like I need to explore this alternative path more. But I haven’t convinced myself. Still hoping the “sign” shows up soon. I appreciate it. And I hope things continue on a better path for you!!!

      Liked by 1 person

    Susan said:
    June 24, 2017 at 3:39 PM

    The right doors will open, be patient, be aware and be present 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    Rae Longest said:
    July 2, 2017 at 6:25 AM

    We all feel sullen from time to time. You may be mostly worked-through-it by the time you receive this reply, but I’m putting on on my (paper! LOL) prayer list for guidance, direction, and general blessings. I believe in the power of prayer, and in intercessory prayer. Before you pass on my prayers, I give you my word, I’ve got a “direct line.” LOL

    Liked by 1 person

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