Day: January 21, 2018

365 Challenge: Day 310 – Ryder (LIST: Objects I adore)

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Ryder: my 10-year old shiba inu dog who unexpectedly passed away this week

Ryder

When I took this photo 3 months ago, I never realized its meaning…

Sundays are LIST days and today is no different. While I never expected to include Ryder as an object I love, it feels appropriate given his unexpected death this week. If you are new to my blog, you should first read this message, which explains what happened to him earlier this week. This post will be about celebrating his life and my love for him.

***

Ryder was born September 3, 2007. During the Thanksgiving holiday weekend that year, while visiting my parents in Pennsylvania, we took a trip to a pet store with the only intent being to visit with a few puppies. By the next day, I adopted Ryder, a red sesame shiba, who was about 13-weeks old. He was such a tiny little puppy, the runt of his litter, and looked more like a little bear.

puppy

Ryder first lived in Brooklyn, NY with me, as I had just moved back from California that month. We had a temporary garden apartment on the first floor of an old brownstone. It had lots of nooks and crannies, and he loved to play hide and seek. I think it was being in that apartment which caused him to be a bit of a little devil. He never liked to listen to commands, even when he went to doggie training, but he passed the weekend course and learned to sit, lay down and give someone his paw. After a few weeks, we enrolled him in a doggie daycare, so he would be socialized with other dogs, but also because there were times I had to stay late for events for my job. I didn’t want him home alone for 12 to 14 hours a day.

daycare.jpg

One of those days, the owner called me at work to tell me Ryder had an aggression problem. He would play with other dogs, but after a minute or two, he would intentionally start a fight. Seriously. He was being a little ass, and I went to watch him for an hour one day through the window. They were telling the truth. If another dog got too close, even after they happily played for ten minutes, he would growl and jump at the other dog. He would never harm or bite, just be aggressive. He’d thrown his ten-pound body against a thirty-pound dog and expect to knock it over. I vividly remember thinking…. Why me? I’m so quiet and non-confrontational, how did this happen! Needless to say, we were told Ryder couldn’t come to doggie daycare anymore. I found another reputable place and tried again. A week later, he was asked not to return. I was so ashamed! I tried a third one, and clearly told them upfront that Ryder needed training. They understood and were willing to try it by putting him in with the big dogs to let him get tossed around a few times, in the hopes it would control his behavior. They would watch him, and only do it for short periods of time… but even the big dogs didn’t scare him. He had the ever-famous Napoleon complex. So… Ryder was never enrolled in doggie day care again.

Shortly afterwards, Ryder had his first seizure around 6-months old. It was small, but I had another dog with horrendous seizures. I wanted him on the same medicine, a lower dosage, as it had worked for the other dog. The medicine controlled his seizures, and for the rest of his life, he would only have maybe 2 or 3 per year, if even that. We went for a year once without any. It breaks your heart to see it happen, but you can’t touch them during it, as you don’t want them to associate you with the feelings they get from the seizure.

favorite

But that fear is quickly ingrained in you… and every night, if he got out of bed, and I heard the tapping of his toe nails against the wooden floors, I got up to check on him. He was a good sleeper and rarely wandered. If he was out of bed, it meant something was wrong. A few weeks later, the weather started getting warmer and spring arrived. I’d let Ryder out on the enclosed patio we had on the apartment in Brooklyn. One day, I see him chasing something… assuming it’s a fly. When I go outside to check, I notice it was a bumble bee. Ryder is barking and screeching at it, almost to the point someone thought I was killing a cat. He runs through the screen door opening and into the living room… I follow him only to see him bite down on the bee. It didn’t end there. His screeching suddenly intensified and he fell back on the floor. The bee went flying out of his mouth and he yelped as if he was hit by a car. I grabbed hold, checked his mouth and saw the huge black mark on his tongue. He’d been stung by the bee, which he of course deserved. So… an hour back and forth with the vet, as I don’t know if he’s allergic to bees, or if that could trigger a seizure… needless to say, he went unharmed, but he had that black scar on his tongue for the rest of his life. He also still chased bees whenever he saw one. He didn’t get his intelligence from me, I’ll say that for sure!

Right after he turned one, I moved out of Brooklyn and bought a house with a large backyard. He had a doggie door and could go in/out all day long while I was at work. He screamed at birds, chased squirrels and ate everything he could. At least twice a week, he woke me up tapping on the bedroom floor, not because of a seizure, but because he was yakking up whatever he’d eaten that day. If I could tell you how much lack of sleep or worry this dog has caused me in ten-years, you wouldn’t believe me. But that’s where our bond began – as much as he drove me nuts, it made us closer. He ran to me for everything. He developed a need to be near me 24/7, and although I would force him to go play by himself from time to time, I missed not having him sitting on my feet or laying against my thigh.

patio

In time, my job became too intense and I was away from home too much. Commuting by train took an additional 3+ hours each day, which was time away from him. I had also just met W and wanted to live in the city to be closer to him and my job, so I sold my house and moved into Manhattan. Ryder was not happy. He was going to lose his outdoor space. And he did… my first apartment was a small box, even for someone his size. He whined and yelped all day. I could hear him from the elevators which were a good 40 feet from my apartment door. Speaking of elevators, Ryder’s first interaction with one was with W. I had pulled my car up in front of the building, unloading boxes. W took Ryder to the apartment and rode the elevator. He had no idea what to do with it. He was a very young puppy when we lived in the city last time, on the first floor, so he never used an elevator before. It’s one of W’s first memories with him, and I know it’s a happy one.

It was in that first Manhattan apartment that Ryder exacted his revenge on us. He wouldn’t adapt to walking for his bathroom breaks. Instead, my living room rug was his personal wee wee pad. I tried to cage him to avoid it, but that little rascal would purposely pee in the cage, roll in it and then expect me to clean him when I got home from work. After a week, I gave up and papered the floor with wee wee pads. Eventually, he learned to use them, but he’d have accidents in the wrong place 10% of the time. I call them accidents, but they were on purpose. He could be spiteful in a fun way, and we all knew it. But that was part of his charm. You played by his rules or you didn’t play at all. W and I moved in together for a short time in his apartment where the same things happened until Ryder adjusted. A friend referred to W’s rug as a bio-hazard for a few weeks. Neighbors asked if we had a cat living there, as they heard strange whines all day. They weren’t supposed to have dogs, so we said yes, it’s a cat… and that’s how Ryder came to have his own Facebook page: Ryder the Cat-Like Dog.

ice cream

Summertime meant the beach. We rented a house off the cost of Long Island with some friends every summer and would travel there at least 10 weekends. Ryder loved it. He had outdoor space again. He could chase wildlife, even had his first encounter with a deer! He was afraid and in love all at the same time. We let him off-leash one day, to see how he’d do – big mistake. He ran everywhere, and it took almost thirty minutes to catch him. W aged a few years that day, as it was his idea to test Ryder and was so afraid to lose him. We lured Ryder back with treats and various calls, but then he never went off leash again. He loved the place so much, prancing around, except when he realized there was water at the beach. We took photos of him surfing on a board one day, getting knocked around by waves. He hated it. He refused to speak with us for days. We kept torturing him on walks by walking close enough for the waves to get him. We tried to get him to adjust, but he never would. There needed to be 20 feet between him and water at all times! But hey, after what he put us through with the bio-hazard rugs, what’s a little water torture as revenge?

water.jpg

When it came time for W and I to buy our own apartment together, Ryder made the decision. We knew it had to have outdoor space. We wanted something big enough for Ryder to get in a few runs, but not ground level as it would be too easy for someone to break in. We got lucky when we found our current place… Ryder came over to test it out, and he went berserk running all throughout the apartment, in and out of the two different doors to get outside. We have a video of him seeing his new home for the first time, and he was absolutely in love. We called the outdoor terrace ‘Ryder’s Enchanted Garden,’ and W spent much of his free time cultivating a beautiful space for Ryder to have trees, bushes, flowers, play areas, and lounging area (he loved to lay in the sun). Finally, Ryder learned how to do his business outside again, as well as use pads if he was ever inside for too long while we were out.

snow

There is so much more I could say about this lovable little creature, but I will keep it brief with a few fun memories before I say goodbye to him. This is only 1% of 1% of the memories we have had together as a family…

  • Ryder loved beef brisket so much. The first time he had it, he wolfed down his plate, then had to immediately go to the bathroom. He couldn’t get out quick enough and while we were eating, just a few feet away, did his business on the floor. We called it the ‘brisket shits’ ever since that day, but luckily, he controlled it on a go-forward basis. As soon as he ate, he’d run to the glass door, tap on it furiously, we’d let him out while we were eating and within 5 minutes, he’d be back for more, furiously tapping on the door to be let inside. We got no rest or time to eat with his antics. His needs always came first. W and I would swap turns, so whomever let him out didn’t have to get up to let him back in. The last meal Ryder actually ate before he grew too sick last weekend was brisket — made by W that day to try to cheer Ryder up and get him to eat something. He actually enjoyed the meal and had a smile on his face for a few minutes.
  • Ryder caught his first bird on the terrace. I had already gone to work. W was in the shower and heard Ryder screeching. When he came out to check, Ryder had dropped a dead bird on the dining room floor, prancing all about – proud of his work. W was unable to process it (he can’t be near things like that) but had to. I was at work and he couldn’t leave with the bird on the floor. Poor Ryder, he never understood how scary his gift to W was!
  • Ryder was not fond of small children; whether it was height or age, anything under 10-years-old unnerved him. When W’s nephew and niece visited, Ryder barked incessantly. He tried to play, but he was just not sure how to interpret them, and they were well-behaved. He actually ran off to the guest bathroom and literally pushed the door closed so no one could get in. When they left, he wandered out, nervously, and then hid under the table for a day. He also dressed up for a few Halloweens to help give out candy for trick-o-treaters, but quite unwillingly. He’d answer the door, stare at the children in costume, lean towards them to smell them, and as soon as someone squealed ‘doggie,’ he barked and ran to the bedroom. W forced it on the poor pup, but I suspect Ryder secretly enjoyed it.
  • There was only one time when he ever willingly played with a child: Grace. She was a friend’s daughter, about 2-years-old, and chased him all over the apartment. He hated it at first, but then she sat down on the carpet with her bowl of cereal. Slowly, she won Ryder over… handing him cheerio by cheerio, until she stopped eating them and he ate the whole bowl. Grace became his new heroine that day, and he actually let her pet him, if she’d hand him a cheerio. He had intelligence that day, so I know he just liked to play W and I against one another to get what he wanted. He was quite astute when he wanted to be.
  • Ryder’s favorite thing to do besides eat, was to take your spot. Whether it was on the couch, or where you stood trying to cook dinner or unpack bags, the moment you left the spot, he went to it. He needed to be attached to one of us while sleeping. He would alternate nights staying up a bit later with W who watched a TV show while I went to bed to read for a bit. As soon as he was ready, Ryder would tap into the bedroom, paw at the bed, and I’d lean down to lift him into it. When we left the apartment, he would sleep in the front hall by the door until we came home. We left music playing for him and lights on so he didn’t feel too alone. And when we left the terrace door open, he’d stay outside the entire time keeping watch over all of nature.

costume

Ryder had a wonderful life. He was adored and loved by countless friends and family, everyone on the blog and all the people who took care of him over the years. Ryder passed away at 10-years old on January 18, 2018 at 12:43pm EST, in my arms with W sitting with us. Ryder will be missed more than any words this man can conjure or imagine. I don’t know how to move forward with his Monday Ryder Rants, but I probably will discontinue them tomorrow. I will always be grateful for the time we had together; you were part of my soul, Ryder… and someday, W and I will see you again. xoxo

sleeping.jpg

***

Sunday posts, the end of each week, have become a theme on This-Is-My-Truth-Now, often organized by groups of five (5) focused on interesting things about my life. I’m continuing the trend of the seventh day, ending the week on Sunday, as a list (we know I love them) that provides more in depth knowledge about me. Past weeks included:

  • Weeks 1 – 5: Primary ethnicity groups and nationalities
  • Weeks 6 – 10: A to Z Favorites
  • Weeks 11 – 15: Colors with an important meaning
  • Weeks 16 – 20: Cities I’ve lived
  • Weeks 21 – 25: Jobs I’ve held
  • Weeks 26 – 30: Top 10 entertainment options
  • Week 31: How to follow or contact me across all social media platforms
  • Week 32: How to help an artist with promotion
  • Week 33 – 37: Favorite Book Genres
  • Week 38 – 42: Holidays
  • Week 43 – 47: Objects I adore
  • Week 48 – 52: TBD

 

About Me & the “365 Daily Challenge”

I’m Jay and I live in NYC. By profession, I work in technology. By passion, I work in writing. I’ve always been a reader. And now I’m a daily blogger. I decided to start my own version of the “365 Daily Challenge” where since March 13, 2017, I’ve posted a characteristic either I currently embody or one I’d like to embody in the future. 365 days of reflection to discover who I am and what I want out of life.

The goal: Knowledge. Acceptance. Understanding. Optimization. Happiness. Help. For myself. For others. And if all else fails, humor. When I’m finished in one year, I hope to have more answers about the future and what I will do with the remainder of my life. All aspects to be considered. It’s not just about a career, hobbies, residence, activities, efforts, et al. It’s meant to be a comprehensive study and reflection from an ordinary man. Not a doctor. Not a therapist. Not a friend. Not an encyclopedia full of prior research. Just pure thought, a blogged journal with true honesty.

Join the fun and read a new post each day, or check out my book reviews, TV/Film reviews or favorite vacation spots. And feel free to like, rate, comment or take the poll for each post. Note: All written content is my original creation and copyrighted to me, but the graphics and images were linked from other sites and belong to them. Many thanks.

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Explanation for my absence this last week: an unexpected and core-shaking loss

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As many of you have noticed and commented, I haven’t been online in the last week. Given my 365 Daily Challenge and normally frequent interaction, it was unusual and unexpected. Even when I went on a two-week vacation last fall, I briefly posted each day to stay connected with all my online friends. There would only be a few things to keep me from blogging or responding to comments, and unfortunately, I experienced one of them this past week.

Ryder Reg

For anyone who doesn’t know, Ryder was my ten-year-old shiba inu dog, who had a huge presence not only in my life, but on this blog. As you can probably tell by my use of the past tense, Ryder is no longer with us. It’s taken me several days to even be able to return online and to try to let everyone know what happened. This will unfortunately be a very sad post, and if you prefer not to read it, I completely understand. I know how many people enjoyed hearing from Ryder, and I wanted to at least let everyone know what occurred this last week. You can skip this and just read a happier memorial here.

Ryder has taken anti-seizure medicine for most of his life. We ran regular tests once or twice per year to check his blood chemistry, as the medicine which prevented seizures also has the ability to destroy his liver. When we went to the vet ten days ago, as I could tell Ryder was too lethargic by normal standards, I expected to adjust his medicine and possibly add something else if he was starting to become arthritic. Unfortunately, when the blood test results came back, it showed his liver was severely impacted and that we needed to take quick action.

The recommendation was an immediate transition from one anti-seizure medicine to a newer one, but given the potential for Ryder to take on more side effects, the ideal course was to load a higher than normal dosage of the new medicine while slowly weaning him off the old medicine over a five-day period. Ryder was very ill over that weekend and stopped eating by Sunday morning. He was disoriented, vomiting and refusing to take his medicine. Both W and I were very worried, but knew it would be a rough transition. We expected him to recover within a few weeks.

After last Monday’s Ryder Rant, where he mentioned he was feeling blegh, things quickly deteriorated. When we wrote that post, I had every expectation of continuing my regular posts that week while Ryder recuperated from whatever was ailing him. Part of me knew he was going to become a different dog, but I didn’t expect the true extent as to how bad the situation had become. I checked again with the vet that Monday morning to let him know that things were getting worse. Given Ryder’s refusal to eat and take his pills, the vet scheduled an immediate ultrasound to check his liver and stomach.

At 2:30 that afternoon, we took Ryder to the veterinary hospital and had the ultrasound. When the technician brought Ryder back to us in the waiting room, I could see it on his face. By 3:30, the vet let us know that Ryder’s liver was beyond repair. I knew my worst fears had come true. I’ll spare everyone the details of the next few days, but Ryder was never able to leave the hospital. We checked him in for emergency care and tried for two days to load the medication into him, get him to eat and ease any pain. We knew there was a very small chance that things would turn around, but there were a couple of attempts made to help him, so that we could truly understand if his liver might function once the old medicine was out of his system.

By Wednesday morning, we knew there was nothing left to do. I made a few deals with whomever controls this world; I offered up a year of my life to give Ryder more time with us, and I begged for something else I loved (being a writer) to be taken away from me, instead of Ryder. I knew it wasn’t rational, nor did things even work that way – but I would have done it if were an option. When I accepted that Ryder only had a few more days, W and I focused on getting him healthy enough to bring home, so he could have a day in his own apartment where he could spend his last moments.

Throughout most of the week, W and I visited him in the hospital several times per day, for several hours. He was given extra medication, IV drips and constant attention. When we came home for breaks, we spent the time staring at the walls or the phone, in fear the call would come that he either had a seizure or things took a turn far worse. Luckily, Ryder’s last few days were seizure-free, and at most, he was uncomfortable and confused as to what was happening to him. We knew he wasn’t strong enough to make it home for even a few hours. I am disappointed, angry and sad I couldn’t give that to him.

On Wednesday afternoon and evening, he roused a little bit to give us a few lucid moments. We sat with him in a small private pet waiting room where he licked and kissed us a few times. He took a few spoons of his favorite vanilla bean ice cream, and slept next to his favorite toys. On Thursday morning, my parents came into the city to visit Ryder, as he loved them dearly. They were able to say goodbye and help comfort us. In the afternoon, W and I held Ryder for the last time, cradled in our arms, where he passed away peacefully.

I’ve spent much of the last week in a complete daze. I haven’t slept. I barely ate. My eyes have not had a moment without filling with tears. I couldn’t speak to anyone on the phone but the vet or my parents. W has been and felt the same way. We have been unable to go out or see anyone. While the rest of my post is all about how I feel or what Ryder has meant to me, it also applies fully to W, who has been the only reason I am able to function right now.

My heart is broken, and my entire core is unsteady. I lost grandparents, godparents and friends when I was much younger, and it all devastated me as a child or teenager, but this has truly been my first major personal loss as an adult. I’m experiencing everything from anger to guilt, but I know it is part of the process and will get better in time. I cannot look at his food & water bowls, bed or toys without breaking into tears; yet, I will not be able to put them away anytime soon. I haven’t just lost a pet or a close family member. I’ve lost a part of me, perhaps the single most important part of my humanity.

I tend to be quiet and shy, preferring to be alone rather than in groups or with others. I have often been told I hide my emotions/feelings and tend to have tunnel vision over what’s going on around me. Ryder changed all that. He taught me how to be selfless. He showed me how to put someone else first. He helped me realize how to care for someone dependent on you for nearly everything. Ryder has been a part of me for ten years. Every part of my day revolves around him, and always has. He was always healthy, but he took medicine twice per day – and I couldn’t easily adjust the time frames without impact. I was always on the lookout for a potential seizure. I talked to him all day long. He had a voice in our day and decisions.

I’ve decided to share two separate posts today: this one, to let everyone know what happened and explain my absence, but then a second, which you can see here, to tell everyone what Ryder meant to me. This very special dog changed me when he came into my life, and I fear he has changed me again when he has left my life. I know we all feel like this when we lose someone important, but for me, I’m scared that I will forget him, or that I will forget my humanity and my ability to love others again. Right now, seeing pictures of him, or sharing memories, doesn’t feel like it will ever be enough to connect with the real thing.

I am beyond grateful to everyone who checked in on me, or to ask about Ryder, in the last week. Despite being completely destroyed emotionally and uncertain where I was or what I was doing most of the time, it helped to see your messages. They made me cry more. They made me happy to know how much he was adored. It is in these life moments where I believe there is goodness in the world that will always overpower the negative and the evil. Thank you for being part of Ryder’s life and listening to me speak from a place of raw emotion. I’ve tried to control the extent of my words, as I want to look back on this time and remember Ryder with love and not sadness.

Humbly yours….  Jay

(It’s okay to LIKE the post, as I know it comes from a good place.)

 

About Me & the “365 Daily Challenge”

I’m Jay, an author who lives in NYC. My debut novel, Watching Glass Shatter, can be purchased on Amazon @ http://mybook.to/WGS. I’ve always been a reader. And now I’m a daily blogger. I decided to start my own version of the “365 Daily Challenge” where since March 13, 2017, I’ve posted a characteristic either I currently embody or one I’d like to embody in the future. 365 days of reflection to discover who I am and what I want out of life.

The goal: Knowledge. Acceptance. Understanding. Optimization. Happiness. Help. For myself. For others. And if all else fails, humor. When I’m finished in one year, I hope to have more answers about the future and what I will do with the remainder of my life. All aspects to be considered. It’s not just about a career, hobbies, residence, activities, efforts, et al. It’s meant to be a comprehensive study and reflection from an ordinary man. Not a doctor. Not a therapist. Not a friend. Not an encyclopedia full of prior research. Just pure thought, a blogged journal with true honesty.

Join the fun and read a new post each day, or check out my book reviews, TV/Film reviews or favorite vacation spots. And feel free to like, rate, comment or take the poll for each post. Note: All written content is my original creation and copyrighted to me, but the graphics and images were linked from other sites and belong to them. Many thanks to their original creators.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin